When She Stopped Comparing and Started Noticing

When Chanukah turns into comparison, chaos, and sugar crashes… here’s what one wife did instead.

They pulled into the driveway of her sister-in-law’s house, and Tamar’s stomach suddenly felt tight, smile plastered on.

Inside were her brothers-in-law - funny, helpful, generous. Her father-in-law, who always gave warm compliments to the kids. Her mother-in-law, who somehow always had “suggestions” for Tamar about the kids’ shoes or her parenting.

And her husband?

He was in the passenger seat, scrolling. Quiet. Tired. Withdrawn.

“Why can’t he be more like them?” she thought bitterly.
“Why can’t I just feel proud to walk into a room with him?”

The guilt hit her before she even opened the door.

It was supposed to be a holiday of light.

Instead, she felt… dim.

There was the crankiness from the traveling.
The overstimulation from too many people and way too much sugar.
The late nights. The greasy food. The tantrums.
The way he left her to handle everything while he disappeared into the circle of men.

She didn’t want to resent him.
She just wanted to feel connected. Seen. Calm.

But all she felt was far away from herself, from him, and from the meaning of the holiday. 

“Hashem, please just give me one miracle.”

The next night after they lit, she sat on the couch staring at the flickering candles and whispered:

“Please, Hashem, help me soften. Help me see him with new eyes.”

And a memory floated up.

The other night, when he stayed up building that toy kitchen, even though it came in 300 pieces.
The way he made it to davening each morning, even though he’s exhausted after lots of late nights.
The time he ran back to the store for more oil again, so she could make another batch of latkes. 

Small things. Easy to miss when her eyes were clouded by comparison.

Gratitude

The next day, she tried something small.

Before they left for the party, she said to her husband:

“Thank you for driving tonight. I love sitting back and closing my eyes for a couple of minutes. I feel like a VIP just relaxing in the car. ”

Not dramatic. Not manipulative. Not fake.

Just tuned in to the good and how it made her feel when she noticed it.

And in the car, he talked more.
At the party, he stayed closer.
After the party, he helped with bedtime.

Not because she asked.
But because she saw him.

Chanukah is about light in darkness.

About miracles where things felt hopeless.

And sometimes, that miracle starts with just one shift in perspective.

One thank you.
One moment of choosing to see the good over stewing in resentment.

Feeling raw this Chanukah?

If you’re dreading the family parties and politics, tired of pretending, or feeling alone next to the menorah…

You’re not doing anything wrong.

You’re just ready for more.

👉 Schedule a free call with me

Let’s light your inner light again.

You don’t need to fix anyone. You just need to find your spark.