Nobody Talks About...When Duct Tape Hurts

Nechama was looking forward to the upcoming Sunday all week.

Yoni’s brother, Avi, and his wife Devorah had invited them to spend the afternoon at a nearby park and then go for pizza afterward. Nechama loved being with Devorah. There was no performing, no wondering whether she had said the wrong thing. They could sit around for hours while the kids ran around, and Nechama would come home feeling like she’d actually had a day off.

Then, Sunday morning, Yoni glanced up from his phone while Nechama packed snacks.

“Oh, by the way,” Yoni added, glancing up from his phone as if it were nothing, “Avi invited everyone else too.”

Nechama froze with the bag of pretzels still open in her hand. “Everyone?” she repeated, her stomach tightening.

Yoni grinned, clearly delighted by the idea. “Yeah. It’ll be nice. All the siblings together.”

Nechama looked down at the pretzels and tried to swallow the wave of disappointment before it reached her face.

Yoni’s sisters had never made Nechama feel unwelcome. That almost made it harder to explain. They were just…not her type. 

They could happily spend half an hour comparing the newest styles, talking about who was wearing what, or swapping stories about beautiful hotels and lavish vacations. Nechama never knew what to add. She’d smile and listen, but after a while she would feel herself drifting farther out of the conversation.

With Devorah, it was different.

They could shmooze forever about the parenting course they were both taking, which school might be the right fit for their girls, or their sourdough sagas. Nechama never had to work at conversation with her. She could just be herself.

But when her other sisters-in-law were there, the whole dynamic changed, and Nechama found herself becoming quieter and smiling from the edge of the circle.

This wasn’t the afternoon she had been looking forward to at all.  If she was going to spend the day feeling awkward and less-than, she would rather stay home.

“I thought it was going to be just us and Avi and Devorah,” she murmured, trying to keep her voice neutral.

Yoni looked genuinely confused. “Who cares? It’ll be fun.”

Fun for you.  You never think about what it’s like for me.

She knew exactly what would happen if she tried to explain why the plans suddenly felt so different. 

Yoni would get defensive of his family. Nechama would start piling on every reason she didn’t want to go anymore. The more she tried to make him understand, the more worked up she would get.

And eventually, he would get aggravated that she was being difficult, that she was making too much of it, that everyone else was just trying to have a nice day.

Just imagining the conversation made her chest tighten.  Instead, Nechama pressed her lips together and pushed the last bag of pretzels into the tote.

Yoni gave her an easy smile and looked back at his phone, already moving on.

Nechama wished she could move on that easily too.

Instead, she felt the disappointment settle in. She had kept the peace. There would be no argument, no uncomfortable conversation about his family.

But somehow, avoiding all of that hadn’t made her feel any better.

And once they arrived at the park, her brooding deepened.

Yoni disappeared happily into a conversation with his brother and brothers-in-law. The kids ran around with their cousins. Devorah hugged Nechama warmly, but within minutes one of her other sisters-in-law had pulled Devorah into a conversation about her newly renovated kitchen, which designer she used, and the advantages of marble over porcelain. Nechama smiled along, already feeling herself drift to the edge of the conversation.

At the pizza shop, it got worse. The women settled around one end of the table, talking quickly over each other while Nechama silently cut up a slice for her toddler.

Across the table, Yoni was relaxed and laughing.  Nechama looked at him and felt a sharp wave of resentment.

She had done exactly what she was supposed to do. She hadn’t criticized him. She hadn’t complained about his family. So why did she feel so awful?

When she brought this to our coaching session later that week, all her annoyance came spilling out.

“I duct-taped the entire day,” Nechama told me, exasperated. “I didn’t say anything to Yoni, but I was miserable.”

I asked her what she had done that afternoon that she actually enjoyed.

Nechama paused. “Nothing, really.”

She had wanted to walk by the lake, and Devorah had even invited her to go. But Nechama had stayed by the playground instead.

She wanted Yoni to see how unhappy she was. If she went off with Devorah and had a good time, it would feel as though his changing the plans hadn’t mattered.

She was still trying to make her point, only now, instead of arguing, she was hoping her unhappiness would make Yoni finally get it.

Duct tape had stopped the criticism, but it hadn’t yet freed her from needing him to understand.

The next shift was quieter: letting go of making him see it, and turning her attention back to what she could do to make the afternoon better for herself.

If you’re reading this and thinking, I’m trying so hard to be respectful, but sometimes I just end up feeling resentful, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

I’d love to support you.

You can book a free Marriage Breakthrough Session with me here.