How to be a True Helpmate

When I got married, I messed up many things. Not to downplay my numerous cooking and laundry mishaps (pink shirts, anyone?), but my attempts at “helping” my husband were far more serious. 

All my life, I’d been taught about being an ezer kenegdo; helping your husband reach his full potential, guiding him with your feminine touch, assisting him in all his great endeavors… 

It sounded wonderful, and I went in full force. 

Turns out, his endeavors weren’t always so great. But I refused to discard my title of Superhero Helping Wife. So, I reminded him to take a haircut before Pesach. I provided him with the best directions to avoid traffic. 

Well, I learned the hard way that this kind of “helping” is NOT what your sem teachers were talking about. Husbands tend to reach their potential when they feel you trust them, not when they hear your advice and opinions 24/7. 

Helping Vs. Controlling

What does it mean to be a helpful wife? 

She respects and encourages him. She shows him unconditional trust. She cheers him on. She makes him feel like the man of the house that he is. 

On the flip side, controlling looks like advising, suggesting, and micromanaging. It can manifest as talking on his behalf, redoing his work, and, of course, offering “helpful” wisdom (my specialty). In short, there are many ways to control my husband, and I’ve tried them all. None of them work very well, and all of them quashed the connection in my marriage.

For example, my husband and I used to go to appointments together, like doctor’s visits or the bank. Without fail, I would do the talking on our behalf. After all, I understood the details, nuances, psychology, everything! I didn’t realize at the time, but the message I was sending to my husband loud and clear was — I am the expert, and you are clueless. 

Control Vs. Connection

I finally realized that control and connection are like oil and water — they don’t mix. At each moment, I’m presented with a choice. If I choose control, it will cost me connection. But if I refrain from control, I’m preserving the connection in my marriage and giving it the best chance to thrive. 

Controlling may save us time, money, or extra work — important things! But there is nothing more important than the harmony between my husband and me. I may have lost out in some regards, but I have gained WAY more. 

Take it from Leah*, a client of mine. After going to a nice restaurant together, her husband drove around in circles as though he was lost. She was losing her mind. She needed to know where he was trying to go so she could tell him how to get there! But she bit her tongue and let him find his way. Finally, her husband parked the car, turned to her with a smile, and said, “I thought you might like it here.” Turns out, he’d been searching for the best spot to view the beautiful sunset.  

Give Up Control, Gain Closeness

It may feel scary to take the plunge. It may seem unfair. You may be thinking, “Well, if he would just stop being so lazy, uneducated, or irresponsible, I wouldn’t need to control him!” But guess what? It all starts with you. You can stop this cycle once and for all. 

When you stop controlling your husband, he will notice — believe me. He’ll feel your genuine respect, making him stand up straighter. He’ll realize you’re not stepping in, and he will assume more responsibility. He’ll see your trust and think critically about big decisions. 

Becoming a true ezer kenegdo will enable you and your husband to become closer than ever. Show your husband that you’re his biggest fan, and see what happens next. 

If you’re looking for personalized coaching to help jumpstart your journey toward the marriage of your dreams, you’ve come to the right place. 

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