The Marriage Problem No One Admits

Peri was ashamed of her problem.

Because on paper, it sounded like something every woman would want.

A husband who adores her.
Compliments her constantly.
Always wants to spend time with her.

And yet… Peri felt like she was suffocating.

She dreaded the compliments.
She felt panicky when he wanted time together.

Not because she didn’t love him.
Not because she didn’t want love.

But because it felt like too much.

The secret she was afraid to admit

When her husband told her she was beautiful, something in her clenched.

Because that’s not what she saw.

She saw the sags.
The bags.
The bumps.

His words didn’t land as comfort.
They landed as exposure.

She felt seen in a way that made her uncomfortable.
Vulnerable. Out of control.

And worse…
If she let it in, she feared she would owe him.

The same level of attention.
The same emotional energy back.

It felt like a debt she didn’t have the currency to repay.

So she pushed him away.

She deflected his words.
Changed the subject.
Pulled away and put up a wall.

He grew frustrated.
She grew miserable.

Why this got so intense

For most men, when their compliments or affection are rejected, something very predictable happens.

They stop giving because each unreceived offering reinforces the feeling that they’re failing and after a while, it no longer feels worth the hurt.

But Peri’s husband didn’t do that.

Strangely, he did the opposite.

He tried harder.

More compliments.
More checking in.
More bids for connection.

And what felt loving to him felt terrifying to her.

His increased effort compounded his frustration.
Why can’t she just trust me?  

And deepened her fear
If I receive this, I’ll lose control.

They were caught in a painful loop:
His increased pursuit triggered her need for more distance.  Her distance fueled his urgency to connect.

Peri said it quietly, almost apologetically.  “I want to be loved… just on my terms.”

She wanted love without obligation.
Closeness without pressure.

What she didn’t realize yet was refusing to receive isn’t neutral.

It’s not just rejecting a compliment.
Or declining attention.

It is experienced as a rejection of him.

Receiving graciously

 I asked Peri to slow this way down.  Not to change how she felt about herself, not to suddenly believe what her husband was saying.

Just to notice how she felt the moment he offered love.

The tightening.
The urge to deflect.
The instinct to minimize.

I reminded her:
There is no scorecard.
No debt.
No invisible obligation waiting on the other side of “thank you.”

Receiving is not a promise.
It’s not a contract.
It’s not saying, “I’ll give you the same thing back.”

It’s simply saying,
“I see you.”

Receiving doesn’t require agreement.
It doesn’t require confidence.
It doesn’t require reciprocity.

It only requires presence.

We talked about how every compliment, every attempt to spend time together, is actually an invitation.

When it’s received, even awkwardly, even imperfectly, it creates connection.

When it’s blocked or rejected, the connection breaks.

Because love needs a place to land.

So Peri practiced receiving in the smallest way possible.

A quiet “thank you.”
And something unexpected happened.

She felt less chased.
She felt calmer.

Not because he loved her less
But because his love was finally being allowed in.

Receiving graciously didn’t trap her.

It freed them both.

The paradox

Receiving isn’t weakness.
It’s connection.

And connection doesn’t come from controlling how love is given.
It comes from allowing yourself to receive it without keeping score.

If you see yourself in Peri’s story…
If receiving feels exposing or overwhelming…
You don’t have to figure this out alone.

Schedule a Free Call with me and let’s talk about how to receive love in a way that feels safe and connecting for you.