He Buys Gadgets. I Budget for Weddings.

Chayala stared at the bank account with a sinking feeling in her stomach.

Another Amazon delivery on the way.
A new espresso machine from Costco.
And he keeps talking about going to Eretz Yisroel for Pesach.

Meanwhile, she was rotating the same three skirts, driving the ancient Sienna, and still working full-time despite the physical toll on her. 

“Does he not understand how much it costs to send to seminary, make a chasunah, and provide support?”
“Does he care about our future at all?”
“How am I supposed to feel safe with someone so irresponsible?”

For years, their finances were a constant battleground.

She saved.
He spent.

She planned for emergencies.
He lived for the moment.

She dreamed of supporting their married children, having a substantial amount set aside for retirement, maybe finally replacing her sheitel.
He dreamed of luxury cars, travel, tech, and remodeling projects.

Every conversation ended in tension, disrespect, and frustration.
He accused her of “worrying too much.”
She accused him of “not caring enough.”

They never saw eye to eye when it came to money.

She cried about it more times than she could count.
She googled financial apps, set up budget spreadsheets, and once even debated asking the rav to intervene.

It just felt so unfair.
She was doing everything she could to be responsible. Why wasn’t he?

But one day, something from one of our sessions floated into her mind. She had rolled her eyes when I first said it—
“What you focus on grows.”
But now…

She was staring at the credit card summary, heart racing, already scripting the words she would say to him.
But instead of storming into his study to confront him, she froze.

“What if I’m only ever looking for what he’s doing wrong?”
“What if I’m feeding the story I don’t want?”

She sat back in her chair, eyes stinging, and asked herself a different question:

“What do I want to see more of?”

And that’s when she decided, hesitantly, even cynically,
to experiment with something new.
She consciously chose a new script called a " Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy."

It is not about fantasy.
It’s not about ignoring the past or pretending things are fine.

It’s about choosing a new internal mantra
and treating it like it’s already a little bit true.

If Chayala had a running mental loop that said,

“He’s selfish. He’s irresponsible. H’s reckless with money,”
then her Spouse Fulfilling Prophecy was about turning those messages upside down and  replacing them with what she wants:

“My husband prioritizes our family’s financial needs responsibly.”

Not because he had proven it consistently.
But because when she began looking for evidence of that story,
she started finding it, tiny piece by tiny piece.

That’s what a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy is:
A conscious decision to flip the script.
To stop reinforcing the version of your husband that brings out the worst…
and start looking for the version you want to grow.

It doesn’t mean lying to yourself.
It means choosing a lens that brings you more peace, more dignity, and more connection.

And for Chayala, that meant focusing less on who he had been…
and more on who she believed he could be and already was in subtle ways she had always ignored.

Still, it wasn’t easy.

Chayala had plenty of evidence that her husband is irresponsible.
She remembered the impulse buys. The broken promises.
She expected him to mess up.

So when she tried to look for the good, her mind immediately added a “but…”

“He got a new car that is a step down from his last one....but he could have just kept the old one.”
“He opened a 401K...but he started so late it'll never be enough.”
“He bought an investment property...but has no idea how to manage it and will just end up losing money”

Anyways, it felt silly. Fake. Like gaslighting herself.

But she tried again.
And again.

She reminded herself of small things he had done:

• He took on extra clients.

• He booked a more modest hotel than usual for their annual Florida getaway.

• He suggested they go to the burger joint rather than the steak house for supper.

Nothing flashy.
But it showed he was thinking, just maybe not in the way she had demanded.

She stopped expecting him to become her clone.
And started appreciating the version of him who cared, in his own way.

She began repeating her Spouse Fullfilling Prophecy daily and forced herself to keep looking for any evidence to support it:
“My husband prioritizes our family’s financial needs responsibly.”

And she continued to make her own wise financial decisions.
Plus, she acted with dignity instead of resorting to criticism and condescension.
And she let go of managing his every move.

And instead of believing her security would come from a perfect savings plan…
Chayala really worked on herself to truly trust that it would come from Hashem.

From doing her part.
From choosing peace over panic.
From remembering that shalom in the home is the vessel for bracha.

“If Hashem is the source of our parnassah,” she thought,
“then peace in our marriage can only increase the blessing.”

This wasn’t about being blind.
It wasn’t digging her head in the sand or pretending the numbers didn’t matter.

It was about owning what was hers to manage
and letting go of the rest.

It was about choosing trust, even when fear felt safer.
Choosing to see the good, even when disappointment felt familiar.
Choosing to notice what was already good.

Because the truth was, they had what they needed.
The bills were paid.
The kids were cared for.
They had food, warmth, stability.

They weren’t drowning.
They were actually okay.
They had enough. More than enough.

And the more she focused on that,
the safer she felt.

Not because he changed.
But because she did.

You don’t need to fight about money to feel safe.
You don’t need to monitor your husband to feel secure.
And you definitely don’t need to carry the entire future on your shoulders.

If you’re ready to explore how that could look in your own marriage, I invite you to schedule a free conversation with me.

We’ll talk about what’s been hard, what you deeply want, and how you can start creating real peace, without carrying it all alone.