Feeling Lonely Even in a ‘Good’ Marriage?

Elisheva sat at the kitchen counter, the chocolate still half-wrapped in her hand, listening to her husband’s voice through the closed office door.

He had been home for less than ten minutes.

The chocolate was thoughtful.
Her favorite kind.
The one he always remembered.

Now she leaned against the counter, staring at nothing in particular, feeling that familiar tightening in her chest.

I should be happy, she told herself.
So why do I feel so empty?

Later that evening, Elisheva found herself standing by the sink, rinsing dishes, her mind stuck on the same ten-minute interaction.

Should I have tried to have a conversation with him when he walked in?
Was that my chance?

She imagined herself knocking on his office door, saying lightly,
“Maybe we can sit for a few minutes?”

She could already hear his response:
“I really can’t right now. It’s been a really long day.”

Or worse, the sigh. The look. The feeling that she was too much.

So she stayed quiet.

And felt the resentment and loneliness quietly settle in.

And that familiar thought crept in:

Why does connection feel so hard for me?

Elisheva’s marriage looked fine.

Her husband worked hard.
He traveled often.
He showed love in practical ways like fixing things, helping around the house, bringing home small gifts.

But Elisheva longed for real closeness.

Not more things.
More shared times together.

Conversation without distraction.
Time that felt prioritized.
Laughter. Playfulness. Ease.

And Elisheva knew herself.

She was emotionally intense.
She felt things quickly and deeply.
When she longed for connection, it came with urgency.

That urgency exhausted her. She felt embarrassed by how needy she was.  

When she did speak, it often came out whiny or demanding.
And she could see it scared him.

He didn’t know how to meet that intensity.
He couldn’t fill it.
So he pulled back.

Which only made her want more.

The impossible choice

Elisheva felt trapped between two bad options.

If she expressed her emotions honestly, she risked conflict, shutdown, or distance.
If she held everything in, she felt resentful, lonely, and unseen.

Either way, she lost.

She told me one day in frustration:

“I don’t want to be fake. I just want to be myself and still feel close to him.”

But so much of the previous strategies she’d tried felt inauthentic.
Tone it down, be calmer, act fine when she wasn’t.

Suppressing her emotions felt dishonest.
Pretending she was okay only built resentment.

And underneath it all was a belief she didn’t realize she had:

Connection will come when he acts differently.
Until then, I can’t feel okay.

The shift: self-care that actually filled her

What changed things wasn’t trying harder in the marriage.

It was taking responsibility for her emotional well-being by figuring out how to make herself happy.

Not self-care as distraction.
Not just bubble baths.
But learning how to fill herself emotionally so she wasn’t walking around empty, waiting for her husband to notice.

Elisheva realized something uncomfortable and freeing:

She had been asking one person to meet too many emotional needs.

No wonder it felt heavy for both of them.

Self-care invited a different question:

How can I bring life back into myself without waiting for him?

So she thought about what fills her...

She stopped isolating and picked up the phone when the house felt too quiet.
She put movement back into her days, like walks that cleared her head and softened the emotional buildup.
She reintroduced play, like music, games, doing things simply because they felt good.
She planned things to look forward to instead of waiting for him to initiate.

None of this replaced her desire for closeness in her marriage.

It relieved the pressure on it.

When the familiar ache showed up, instead of immediately turning toward her husband, she asked herself:

How do I feel right now?
What can I do right now to take care of myself?

Often, once she met herself first, the urgency softened.

And if she still chose to speak to her husband, it came from a very different place.

Not hungry.
Not demanding.
Not heavy.

Just happy.

What it’s like now

Elisheva is still deeply authentic.
She still feels things fully.
She still wants closeness, laughter, and shared moments.

But she no longer feels hijacked by urgency.

She no longer waits for her husband to determine whether she gets to feel okay.
She no longer needs him to regulate her emotions.

And quietly, without pressure, he feels safer.

Safer to be present.
Safer to engage.
Safer to come closer.

The marriage feels lighter now.

Not because his schedule changed.
But because she did.

Connection didn’t come from forcing closeness.
It came from relieving herself and him of emotional overload.

If you’re tired of choosing between authenticity and peace
if you’ve ever worried that you’re “too much” 

You’re not broken.

I invite you to schedule a free call with me.
We’ll talk about what’s really happening in your marriage and what small shifts can bring back joy, ease, and connection.